Trade It

We trade our sorrow,

For your Joy.

We trade our shame,

For your Glory,

We trade our failure,

For your Hope.

The trade has enabled

Your hands to cover upon us,

Our burdens rest in your refuge,

Our fears of the unknown for your Peace.

Our loneliness for your Presence.

The trade,

Of your only son for all humanity.

The trade,

Of everlasting for our eternity.

The trade,

breathe in your presence in us.

New Hope. New Life. New Strength.

Where were we

"My Heart is, and always, will be yours." -Sense & Sensibility

This journey was meant to be walked by you and me. 

We were supposed to be together. 

We were, meant to be.

What we had was sincere, pure and true.

It was not a game.

It never was.

You were mine, 

And I was yours.

You and I.

Where did it all go?

When it is all dark and quiet,

My heart whispers.

"Will you still love me?"

Know that...

"My Heart is, and always, will be yours." 

This life and forever more..

Note: Dedicated for the broken-hearts

The Sound of Love

The sound of love,

quietly walked into my life,

without me even realizing it,

until,

it walked away.

The sound of love,

has taught me to be selfless,

and to give more than I ever could.

I tried,

really hard.

But before I could say 'Thank you for teaching me that',

from the very bottom of my heart,

you have left me all alone.

Was it some misunderstanding,

that you have grown tired and weary?

Or have you outgrown the familiar sound of love?

I know for sure,

that no amount of tears, 

will ever bring you back to me.

Not,

Unless I learn to let you go.

Perhaps,

we were never meant to be.

If we were meant to be,

Do not forget me.

Remember, 

you will always, always have a part of my heart.

Because,

the sound of love have left a deeper mark in my heart,

than anyone could ever be.

Note: This simple blog is dedicated to those whose hearts have been broken and are learning the art of letting go.

Walking on Water

Ever wonder how it feels like to walk on water? To give all you have, to risk it all, your pride, your life, your title, your background, to just walk on water?

It is never easy to choose the path that was less traveled on. People may mock you, criticize you, laugh at you for the decisions you made, make and continue making.

To some, your decision may seem crazy, to some, it may seem worthless. Yet, to those who are walking on water, they will understand. Call them, the tribe that walks on water, or the water-walkers or whatever you like. You will know it, when you meet them. They are different. Well, water-walkers are another story for another day.

There will be days, when you wake up and you ask yourself, is this worth it? Will I make it if I continue to walk on water? Whom can I hold on to when all else fails? What if this is the wrong decision? What if...they were right and you were wrong? What if..what if...

At times, the world will seem to fade away, and all that is left is you, sitting at a corner, doubting at your own values and decisions. There will be days, at long stretches, to even weeks and months, where you will question yourself, how am I gonna survive walking on water?

Sometimes, the journey we take is a journey we have to go through alone. And walking on water is one of those journeys.

Peter walked on water alone.

None of his friends came with him.

Life is a journey, when it comes to some point, we will have to choose whether we will be a water-walker like Peter, or the rest, who stood by and watched him.

Hah, you may say, that is easier said than done! You are right. It takes lots of balls and guts to step out of our comfort zone, to be a water-walker.

But when you do, the rest of the world watches you. Will you thrive as a survivor or a champion or someone who gives up half way? Will. You. Make. It?

Being a water-walker applies in many areas of our lives. Whether it is in our spiritual walk, relationships, career, finances, etc etc. You name it. We get to make a thousand and one decisions in our daily lives. From the moment we open our eyes from the night's rest, it is a choice-whether today we will be a water-walker.

Walking on water is a scary thought. Walking on water itself is even more terrifying. The first step is filled with adventure and excitement. The second step, doubts start pilling up at the back of your head. The third step, you waver. The fourth, fifth, sixth....will you make it?

Peter...peter. We could imagine him walking at first with great courage and faith. He told Jesus "Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on water." Jesus said "Come". He started the historical water-walking episode. He was the first to walk on water after Jesus. But, when he saw the wind, he was afraid and began to sink.

There will be days when we will be attacked by fear and worries.

And we will start sinking. And like Peter who cried out to Jesus, "Lord! Safe me!", we need to do the same.

When we are at our darkest moment, filled with doubts, fears, worries, we gotta tune in to Jesus the water-walking expert. He will hold out his loving hands and offer us peace that the world can never offer.

He will provide.

He will guide us.

He will lead us to the destination no matter how long it takes.

The question is this, will you walk on water when he says "Come."


Disclaimer : This post is written to those who are walking on water (literally) by faith. It is a post to encourage those who are going through difficult moments as I myself am learning to walk on water. 

A very Durian Excursion

Some acquaintances are meant to be kept as friends. They are rare and it is wise to keep them. 

In a lifetime, if you are lucky, you will only be able to meet a few that you could truly call them your brothers and sisters from different sets of parents. 

***

Well, lucky me. I've met a couple. Being with them is like sitting in a live sitcom where the actors involved the two of them and me as an active live audience. Below is the most recent event that happened with them.

A very Durian Excursion:

3 of us wanted to get Durians as our dinner in Kampar. Well, as a Malaysian, I'm guilty of charge for never having the experience of buying Durian. The idea of choosing Durian is like differentiating the hair style of Rosmah's before and after hair-perm. (Truth to be told, no pun intended). So, we were all set on a journey to get the best Durians we know how.

We had a brilliant plan. As the only Malaysian in the car, I was to get down to negotiate for a good price, then signal the others to get down and look at our potential dinner. The purpose of them getting down later is to hide them from view of the sellers. Well, you may accuse us of our cunning ways, but everyone knows that road side fruit-sellers are popular in proposing sky high price to anybody who couldn't speak their mother tongue. (No wonder, there ain't any price-tag stuck to the fruits!) As the only Malaysian, we were convinced that I could get cheap yet mouth-watering Durians.

Since our nose weren't sensitive enough to trace the Durian's whereabouts, we had to find the Durians stalls with our other senses such as eyes and common sense. As Reza was driving, we past the first Durian stall at the road side. 8 sellers sitting behind the pile of Durians stared at our car. Convinced that no way I could bargain for a good price against 8 brains, we continued. Then we past another stall, from afar we thought it was a Durian stall. Lo & Behold! They were selling Rambutans and smelly beans. And so, we past another one, but it was opposite our side of the road. The journey continues. We reached the tiny town, and stopped at the first Durian we set eyes on.

As our plan slowly begins to unfold, I stepped down from the tinted car and went over to the she-he who was selling. To my surprise, without any hand gloves, she hold the Durians with her bare hands and describe to me the beauty and tastiness of a potential product. She pointed at two piles of Durians,

Me: How much are these? (In broken Cantonese)
She-he: Ah, these are the good ones, I sell them here everyday, if got spoil ones, come back tomorrow, I'll be here. (In similar level of broken Cantonese too).

(Me thinking: Hm...Noticed that she avoided the discussion of $, and tomorrow this time, I will be miles away back in KL!) 

Never mind. Round 2:

Me: Ooo, ok, how much is one of these? (Pointing at the nearest Durian at my feet)
She-he: These are good, they went for local Durian competitions.

(Me thinking: Huh? Competition? Is there such a thing as Durian competition?? Wow...culture shock. And me, calling myself a Malaysian)

Round 3. I pointed at another pile of Durians which closely resembled the first pile that I pointed at.

Me: What about these? Any difference?
She-he: Oh yes, those are local Durians. They don't taste as good as these.

(Me thinking: But aren't they all local Durians?)

Alas, Round 4.

Me: Ok, how much if I take 3 of these (Pointing at the nearest Durians again)
She-he: That will be about RM60+. (Smiling at me)

(Me thinking: WHAT?  No way!) 

Alas, Reza and Xiao Xiao sensed the urgency of their presence and pop up just in time. Still, they could not understand our conversation. In the end, after a very Durian smelling bargain, she-he agreed to sell us 5 Durians, a package of: 1 (Durian that is qualified to go for Durian competition) + 3 (Local Durians that are not qualified for competition) + 1 free Durian (local) for only RM35.

Me, making sure that she-he help us chop the head of the Durian as none of us know how to slice a dangerous looking Durian. She-he is concerned whether we could finish all the Durians, so insisted that we kept one for future meal.

We went home, wondering whether the Durians were worth the penny. On our way into Reza's house, we bumped into his neighbor. Actually, his neighbor's maid to be exact. She appears every time we go in or out from the house and each time she will be smiling at us. We thought, we should give her a Durian as a token for making the effort of smiling and welcoming us these few days. The first Durian was donated away.

After settling down, we were ready for a mouth-watering dinner! Or so we thought. To our dismay, the second Durian was a disaster! Xiao Xiao pried open and saw a worm! Me thinking, it might be her eye-sight plus a very dark porch playing tricks, so I tried to peep into the Durian. To my horror, a worm was wiggling inside. Too bad Reza's pet chickens died and left only 1 survivor that is no mood in consuming a worm. We left the 1 wormy Durian at a very far corner, and continue chopping the other three.

The third Durian was good. Left the fourth and fifth Durians. We couldn't find the openings. Unfortunately the she-he did not chop any openings on them. So begins the Durian chopping session. Reza chopped, Xiao Xiao chopped, I chopped. It took 3 people to chop open a little Durian. One of us nearly chop away our fingers, another got poke by the vicious thorns and bled, and another was busy looking for a cloth to man-handle the life-threatening Durians. It was an ugly, prickly, smelly Durian. The Durian must be wondering so too, how could 3 hungry humans be so interested with an ugly dangerous prickly fruit like itself. It is indeed a mystery to be solved.

After a tiring chopping time, we discovered we have chopped the Durian seeds into half while attempting to open it up.The last Durian was not at its prime time to be eaten. It was hard and not smelly enough. Overall, it took us more than 1 hour to finish our dealings with the Durians. The hard-core Durians live up to their title as Kings of all fruits. Smelly and ugly. Yet tasty...

Our Durian excursion has ended. Or so we thought. Again.The now dead Durians shell was as hard to clean up as the live ones. We couldn't get a plastic bag big enough to fit them all, and 3 of us again tried to squeeze them into 2 narrow bags. It poked us badly. And at last, they went into the bin that were fated to be their coffins!

I believed through the very Durian excursion, 3 Durian musketeers were made in the process. We shall be more experience in future Durian affairs.

Because He first love us

                                                                                    

This is not a coincidence, 

Out of the multitude of people, You found me.   

At the best of time,

At the worst of time, You stand by me.

Come blessings,

Come fortunes, You smile at me.

Come disasters,

Come ill events, Your hands support me.

Your presence light up my life,

Like never before.

Though doubt and persecution arises,

My soul shall be yours alone.

At end times,

Nothing matter except You,

Whom I love because You first love me.

The unnerving disappointment

It seems like it is a norm to be disappointed with everyone else but God. Because God is in-charge.

When storms come hurling its fist at us, we often question ourselves, question God, like Job, we doubt, we fall into desperation and cry out for Him. Lo and behold! What do we get? Silence. It can be just so quiet sometimes. The air, still and silent. We heard nothing, we felt nothing, we sense nothing. Emptiness. The soul dry as a desert under the scorching sun.

Oh, some may say, 'Just trust Him' and then they quote a verse. As if they would understand.
Maybe, some may comfort with a hug. No hugs could take away the problems we face.
Perhaps, some will encourage us with their testimonies. But the situations are different, people are different.
Hah! A handful might try to provide solutions and advice. But if everything could be solve by humans, what do we need God for?

There will be times like this in our Christian walk. Ups and downs, like the waves of the sea. Is God playing us? Fooling with us? It certainly feels like it at some point of the circumstances (whatever situations it may be). What answer do we have when we demand for God's attention and yet receive nothing from heaven? We can speculate all we want and the answer we may never get nor fully comprehend.* (For His thoughts are higher than ours). We may cry till no more tears are left in our hollow spirit.

If only life is so simple with black and white answers.

When one is full of doubt, nothing can remove those doubts except the touch of God. The encounter with Him personally is the only solution for an atheist, for a doubter, for a disappointed son, for a hurting soul, for a depress youth, for nothing-to-live for men and women.

Only the experience with God can bring a sense of peace to calm the storms. Wait upon Him.

-Inspired by Yancey's Disappointment with God-

Something More- by Tyrone Wells

Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I've seen the great heights,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there's something,
I know there's something more.

I think we're all afraid,
That we might be alone,
Alone down here,
We all want to have some faith,
At least that's true in my case,
To just believe,
I've seen the great height,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know there's something,
This world may crumble,
Into the ocean,
It could all end tonight,
I undermined you,
Then tried to find you,
My only source of light,
There breathing,
I am alive,
Breathing,
I am,
Alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know there's something more.

While I'm waiting - John Waller

By John Waller (2009)

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I'm peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

To do list

Have you ever try...to count how many times you inhale, and exhale in 10 seconds?to teach your dog how to sing?to balance yourself by standing on one toe?to cook a decent meal for five in 5 minutes? (maggie being excluded, in fact, any edible stuff with the word 'instant' is not included)to finished all your food without speaking a word to anyone?to not utter even 1 word in a day?to not sleep for 24-48 hours straight?It may seem seemingly nuttish even to read the above list. Yes, it is appropriate for those who have nothing better to do.A better list: Few things to do before dying with graceParachutingFlying to the moonCamp in the dessertSitting inside an air-balloonSky-divingClimb Mount KKVisit Disneyland Park in CaliforniaVisit Korea's largest church, and their prayer mountainSkiingKite flyingVisit North Pole- find Santa.........(should be updated constantly)

Let go

Letting go what you treasure is hard,
Letting go the ones you love is harder,
Letting go grudges may be the hardest.

But,
Is it not true,
That there's a time for everything?

Forgiveness may not come easily,
It may not come suddenly,
It may take longer than usual.

Yet,
Slowly. But. Surely,
When you choose to move on,
It. Will. Come.

And when it does,
You will be glad,
To have made the right choice.

So,
What then should one do-
While forgiving?

'Just keep holding on'
'Just keep pressing on'

Inspired by Ivan Handojo- 'Pada Waktunya'

Wait

-By Russell Kelfer-

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taunt,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and please you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, you dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still... Wait."

My shelter, My strength

Your love is overwhelming, it pulls me through the wilderness.
Your faithfulness amazes me, it kept me strong.

Though I fell, fall, and will fail you time and time again,
your mercy and grace pick me up.

You endure my complaints,
Your sustaining love and trust in me kept me running for you.

When I reflect about you,
I realized one thing -
Without you, where would I be?
Without you, life is nothing.

Thank You,
for staying with me, being there for me.
Thank You,
My shelter,
My strength.

I choose you

The pain in my heart, no one can understand.

The worries and burdens.

No one can fathom.

Carried around by my tired soul, weigh down my aching heart, endless drops of tears.

It is easy to say that I don’t care.

It is easy to say, whatever.

But my heart is bound by this ‘limb’.

If only, if only the solution comes quickly.

‘If only’ are words that is plain easy to say than to believe.

Feel like giving up.

Feel like quitting the race.

Feel like ‘what the heck’.

But,

life is not to be controlled by our emotion, nor logical senses nor common sense.

It is controlled by our choices.

Therefore, I choose to remain standing strong.

I choose, today, to be faithful even when I am surrounded by chaos.

I choose, to stay strong in You.

I choose. You.

Thank You for Your strength in me.

Pieces of heart

My heart was whole,
till I met you.
You've torn it apart,
again and again.

When I contacted you,
it is not because,
I am desperate,
not because,
I like bugging you,
not because,
I like clinging to you 24/7,
not because,
I am a fool.

It is simply because,
I miss you,
is because,
I need to hear from you,
is because,
I am curious of what you are doing.

But,
you have given me false hope,
killing my heart,
breaking it to pieces,
when I found out the truth.

If only you can see through my heart,
and calculate those times you belong there,
experience those time I lost thinking of you.

It shall all stop from here henceforth.
Your treatments left a scar on my heart.
Your responses awaken me like a slap on the face.
I have enough of your empty talks,
endless so-called 'friendship'.

Sometimes I fear that this broken heart of mine cannot be healed,
because of you,
who has dominated it,
scared it,
and hurt it...

But,
Don't worry.
One day,
these pieces of heart that is still left will be healed.
Life will move on,
it has already move on.
Because,
I am letting you go...

Goodbye.
(Dedicated to a friend in pain)

to save a life

Journey to Malacca Part II: We are stronger than this

And so, after the accident, we stood as one and protected each other in every way that we could. No pointing of fingers, no complaints, no murmurings, no excuses. The first thing that 2nd car victims came down was to ask 3rd car victims if all were ok, and vice versa. God's peace was within us somehow to know that we are in good hands. We will pull through no matter what.

We did not withdraw our plans in the retreat. Why? Because we cannot give in to the wish of Satan who hope to see us disappointed. The fourth car who left later saw us, they were shocked, but ferried 3 of us quickly to the nearest KPJ Seremban Hospital for checkup. It cost us half-a-bomb, but for that amount of cash compared to our safety, it was nothing really.

As for the rest, they waited a long wait for the towing of cars to the police station. They made their report and by the time they finished, it was almost 5am when they arrived Malacca. Thank God for helpful and concern leaders and members such as Shirley, Anthony, Eng Kim and Jeffrey, who drove all the way down at about 11pm-12am to make sure we were okay.

As for the road-accident 'hunters' the one who cheated us RM600 to tow 2 cars for a short distance, they stayed all night long with us in the police station, trying to convinced us to let them fix the cars. When Shirley came, she 'interrogated' them. However, the more they explain themselves, the deeper they dig their own graves. God bless them.

As for us, we stayed and had fun in Malacca. No regrets for all. We had cendol, chicken rice, photo shootings, bubble-blowing, etc etc. Indeed our ever first retreat is a a life-transforming retreat.

A testimony: Still in smiles, hours after the accident.

Journey to Malacca Part I: Protected by Him...

Before 17th June 2011, we prayed 'Father Lord, please let our cell group's relationship grow tighter and recharge our spirits with Yours during this retreat.'

He came through our prayers.

***

It was through the accident on 17th June 2011 (Friday), that we realized, our relationships are far more than just being a cell group. We are a family, here on earth, and into eternity.

It was truly by His mercy and grace that we are saved.

I believed, just like how Satan petitioned for Job's life, he did so for ours as well.

But God is not done with us. All ten of us have not fulfilled His destiny for us in this lifetime. Our short life is not enough to achieve His purpose of our creation.

The devil wish to come and kill, steal and destroy us, but instead God turn the incident into a life-changing transition point for each and everyone of us. None of us return with the same attitude we had towards life before. Indeed God is our deliverer who set us free from the bondages of the evil ones.

The accident:
3 cars involved. The first car was a set-up. He and his partners planned to create an accident to earn money from towing cars. How could humanity gain profits by hurting their own kind? Unbelievable.

How did we know it was a set-up? Seconds after the accident, a man appeared from nowhere, with a 'convenient' walkie in his right hand. Suspicious? Wait till you read the rest of the incident.

He came and give us his name card and persuade us to let him tow our cars saying how good his tow truckers are. The main point is, minutes after the accident, Ann tried to take a picture of the first car, but he came with a concern voice saying 'Oh, please go in, you may get hurt on the road...' preventing her from taking the picture. When the police arrived, he disappeared with his car. All his car gotten was a loose bumper. And he looked way too calm to be involved in an 'accident'. After his act of disappearance, the walkie guy said 'Oh..he gotta rush to Johor.' Er, excuse me, who are you walkie-guy? A bystander who is ever so 'kind' to help us? But hello? We are the victims here, why did he inform you and not us?

Anyway, our car got hit with a massive impact, since 5 of us were in the 3rd smallest, buttless car, the collision hit us the hardest. We did not have enough distance nor time to stop.

Sitting in the middle back seat, Grace's face was half-numb which she hit into the front seats, and the seat belts snubbed into her stomach, Annie's back was hit and her respiratory organs were disturbed. I was sitting so straight due to the compactness of the behind seats, that all I've gotten was a hit at my shoulder and neck and a scratch on my toe. The only blood in this accident came from my toe. Ironic. But thank God, we prayed before departing. After the prayer, all three of us, who normally don't wear seat belts at the back seats, wore it by Grace's conviction to obey the law, and God's Graceful pre-warning~ If we have no seat belts on, we may have flew and kiss the windshield. What's more? Thank God, no car came and hit our Viva from behind. If it did, this post will not be here. And Thank God, our driver Ben, hit the breaks real hard before colliding into our cell leader's car in front, the middle car. 3rd car's engine was not affected by the accident. If it did, Ben and Sherlyn...

3rd car :















As for the 2nd car, the front and back was so squashed. It looked like this :